Out of the Pandemic came the now widely accepted virtual meeting, taking the place of any actual physical human interaction. And sure, there are a myriad of advantages to this:

The Pajama Meeting Renaissance

You can have meetings with anyone around the world at the drop of a hat!

You can have meetings dawned in your favorite sweats or PJ bottoms! No one will know and there is a 99% chance the other person is wearing something that should never leave the laundry basket.

You can not even “be” there at all… Just some drivers’ license-like photo with a frozen smile staring at the person you are meeting with. This is actually super uncomfortable if you ask me. Why bother people? Just have a phone call instead. No one wants to carry on a conversation with your office image or, even worse, the darkened “outline” of an androgynous person. WTH? Who even created THAT? Why bother?Let the outline rest in peace.

As a side note… I just realized you could create an avatar… I mean, it is probably a REALLY good thing I hadn’t realized this until writing here. I seriously may show up at my next meeting like this:

Calendar Chaos

Setting up the meeting? Oh, sweet Jesus. You don’t just talk to someone and agree on a time. No, no. You send a calendar invite. Want to change it? Cancel and send a new invite. There’s no discussion. As a Southerner, this rips my people-pleasing heart in half. I want to apologize, coordinate, explain, reassure, possibly bake a pie—not click a faceless “Decline.”

The Dreaded Frozen Face

Now let’s talk about The Freeze. Not the fun game, the awkward image of someone mid-sentence with their mouth hanging open and their eyes at half-mast.

This is awkward for a few reasons. Does your meeting companion realize they are “frozen?” Also, very rarely is the “frozen” pose flattering. Mostly I end up fighting the giggles rising at the person’s “frozen” face. I don’t care if you are Gigi Hadid, NO ONE looks good in this moment. And yet, the meeting continues on… not one meeting attendee mentions this awkward image. And then, wait, am I also frozen? Dear Lord.

The Tyranny of the HARD STOP

The HARD STOP- I love this one. Is there anything ruder than beginning a meeting with, ” I just want to let you know I have a HARD STOP at 10:30. Nothing you have to say at this point is important enough to go past 10:30. Not only that, but now I am solely focused on squeezing anything I have to say into that time period. Meanwhile, the theme song from Jeopardy is ringing in the back of my mind…..

Silence of the Screens

The awkward silence – OMG I am getting sweaty just thinking about this one. Ugh. I can’t tell, first of all, if my meeting companion is looking at me, or reading emails. Is she staring at me expectantly? Waiting for me to say something? Or is she browsing the Nordies sale? ONE NEVER KNOWS. Or…. the person speaking will pause to look something up or bring up a file and we all just sit there, politely smiling or worse, staring at the he shadowy outline of an androgynous mystery figure… SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

The Leave Button Olympics

Apparently, there’s an unspoken competition to be the first one to click “Leave Meeting.” Some sort of un-written understanding about the swiftness in which the meeting must be “ended.” Ryan says I don’t “end” it soon enough. It’s as if your professional standing lies in the race to hit “LEAVE MEETING.” Is this Zoom Hunger Games?

Talk about pressure. And why is this the case? Does it make the person who LEAVES first more important? Is it some kind of status-builder to have the fastest fingers? Who knows? What does it matter? If everyone has “left” already, hypothetically, do I even need to END it? I’m making a mental note to ask Chatgpt that one.