Ugh.. just so. Fucking. Tired. This is the shit I swore I would write about, and I’m sure this is one of the parts of the entrepreneurial ride that the successful leave out of or brush over casually in their stories. Well, here we are, as promised. From the depths of hell.

In the past weeks, Dick Face was finally let go, which, of course set the wheels of law suits turning. Let the games begin! As the attorneys go back and forth and things get as ugly as the divorce in the War of the Roses, we find ourselves, for the first time, with an open road ahead business-wise. No one to sabotage, to set up road blocks, or cancel orders behind backs.

The Flip….

Plot twist!

So here is one that you entrepreneurs and partners of entrepreneurs will understand deeply. It’s the pivot, the plot twist, the last-minute about-face in a new/opposite direction. And this seems to be the perpetual state in which I live these days. But you know what? It sure as hell is anything but boring.

So now, my schedule flips once again, and I have stepped into the role of whatever-the-hell hole needs filling at the moment. So so so much learning. If the stress wasn’t so overwhelming, I would be excited. While I have truly treasured my time at the restaurant (and I’m still there one day a week) I am ready for something different if I can still make the same amount of income to keep treading water financially.

I am learning a fuckton (another awesome f-bomb word! See previous post;)). I am now learning to write business style emails, very official, and to use all the appropriate vernacular (see? fancy:)). I have learned how to create a signature for my business emails, how to delve into Canva and what it takes to build a deck (didn’t even know what that was prior to this). I have learned zoom, microsoft teams, and google meet. I am tinkering with Slack and Trello. I know more than I ever should or want to know about employee law and patents. I make mistakes all the time (which keeps me humble). But in all of this, I am growing, I am excited to see what meetings I get to partake in for the day. I have a HUGE respect for my husband and am absolutely amazed at what he has accomplished, his work ethic, and his insatiable drive to get up every day, seven days a week and fight to climb the mountain.

Reality Bites….

What I could definitely do without is the anxiety and panic attacks. The sheer exhaustion and not a moment to take a breath, not a moment to rest. And the heaviness of our financial situation constantly looming. It is Christmas time. The kids are home. I want to relax, spend time with them, maybe take a quick vacation like we used to. But no, we work every day. Although we did take Christmas Day off.

My new reality punches me in the face on December 23rd. Back in the day, we celebrated Christmas Eve Eve with friends. We switched houses every year and had sleepovers at the host’s house. Kids and adults alike loved it. It was a blast. This ritual became a huge part of our family Christmas.

On this December 23rd, my friend sent a text wishing me a Merry Christmas Eve Eve. Those raucous nights, the kickoff to our Christmas, came rushing back. And at that moment, I peered down at the mop in my hand, as I was mopping the restaurant floor, and fought with all my might not to sink to the ground and bawl. Who the hell am I anymore?

Mind Your Rodeo…

So, I am not that person anymore. We find such security in our old selves, in what we know, in the people we think we are or should be. Yes, I am guilty of comparing my self to my friends, but more so in comparing myself to who I thought I would be, or should be. And it is scary as fuck to reinvent yourself at 49 years old. I am on the downhill part of the roller coaster ride, free-fall.

So I came up with a mantra that helps with the panic attacks when I feel one creeping up in the middle of the night, or basically any time I deal with finances. “Keep your head down, work hard, and mind your own rodeo.”

This comes from our rodeo world. When contestants get so wrapped up in their competitors times, inevitably their own ride blows. It happens almost every time. So we say, “Mind your own rodeo,” meaning don’t worry about anyone else. Focus on having your best ride. This is how you win.

So I pray that if I keep my head down and work my ass off, not letting anything or anyone else get inside my head, that when I eventually look up, we will have a win.