It’s January 2022, and renewed with the spirit of a New Year (Yippee! This will be our year! This is the year we expand, take off, explode!) I have decided, in my new energized state of being, to take charge of our finances and all things adult. Yes, I will become one of those unlikely masters of finance and budgeting and look oh-so-smart. So, I start a budget. BTW, I have done this before with the same vigor and enthusiasm. But! This time it is different! This time I am going to catch it before its too late! So, I start a budget.

THE BOA CONSTRICTOR SCARF

Ryan has been taking half-pay for a while so we can put as much as possible back into inventory (sound familiar anyone? Anyone??). It’s FINE, I tell myself. We sold our home during the pandemic and were even able to buy our dream ranch while also putting away savings for a rainy day such as this. So, after a year of exploring our new home town, making new friends, and fixing up the ranch, and really just settling in, it was time to get serious about our finances and where we were heading. And we were losing money every month. Like, a fuck-ton. Ok… I start to feel the dreaded familiar rise of panic and anxiety in my throat. It’s like a tightening in which I feel like I am wearing a boa constrictor as a scarf. I find most people get this panic feeling in their stomach, and it even affects their appetite so the person in panic might lose a couple lbs. Not me, no such luck, it’s in the throat.

Ok, ok, ok…. we’ve been here before. This time though, it’s different, I tell myself. At least both kids are in college and I can now have a proper panic attack without trying to hide it from the kids or put on a brave face. The brave face is always so exhausting. This time I can just go to work, as much as I need to without trying to schedule around practices/games/doctor appointments/ school activities. There is freedom in this!

THE LIST

I will start a list of all the ways I can increase our income and THEN make a list of everything I can start TODAY. This will ease my panic! These lists will make me feel empowered and in-control! And it does. Momentarily. The one thing we have on our side is a little time. So, as an avid reader of Mel Robbins ( I even did her High 5 Journal for about a year), I started writing a list of income-producing possibilities. It went something like this:

make budget, find ways for more income (really??), start saving, start investing -Motley Crue?, look into leasing land?, finish guest house to Airbnb, leg up Blaze to possibly sell, put River in calendar-sell boat and trailer, sell bags, sell Vespa

So there’s my start. Some vague, some particular, but it’s a start.

This was a year and a half ago. So. Many. Changes. It was in these months that followed that we found a way to bring some of that list to fruition, deal with some great losses-both physical and emotional, and let go of everything we knew to build from the ground up. This is my deep-dive into the Messy Middle. Welcome, friends.