The warning….

One day my co-worker (let’s call her Kelly to protect the innocent, or not-so-innocent as we learn here), enlightened me to the fact that credit card payments and the terminals themselves are, in fact, pornographic or in the very least highly suggestive transactions. And now, it is nearly impossible to take an order and proceed through the payment process without breaking into a pee-in-my-pants laugh. I truly wish I had thought of this as it is fucking hilarious and will bring the giggles on even the most mundane of days. I must warn you here, if you choose to read on, you will no longer be able to address any sort of credit card exchange without stifling a chuckle. Every insert, tap, and swipe will have you doubled over like a seventh grader farting in algebra class. (Those of you with dirty minds already know where I am going with this.) And so, without further adieu, I give you the unwittingly hilarious pornographic interactions at the credit card point of sale:

The Innuendos:

• Push it in slower.
• Pull out fast!
• Tap, tap, tap it here.
• Sometimes it is better to insert than tap.
• Be gentle with her!
• Insert more firmly.
• NOW push it in!
• Wait for it…. now insert!
• Please re-insert.
• Stick it in harder!
• You have to stick it in ALL THE WAY.
• You took it out too fast, put it in again and pull out slowly.
• Stop tapping and just stick it in.
• You may have to swipe it.
• Wait for the signal…Now go!
• It didn’t go all the way in the first time.
• You can take it out now….
• Please come back and finish.
• I can tap/insert/swipe it for you if you’d like…
• Transaction incomplete, please reinsert. (Thanks Michelle!)
• When the customer joins in: I say, “You have to leave it in longer, then pull it out.” To which the customer replied, “That’s what she said.” Touche’, sir. Thanks for playing.

No looking back now…

Don’t say I didn’t warn you! I realize I have ruined cc purchases for you, or hopefully, simply made an incredibly boring ritual much more entertaining. If you ever happen to find yourself across from me at the counter (you will know it is me because you have seen my picture), and I am chuckling as I tell you to “Tap, tap, tap it!” You too will be in on the joke. YOU’RE WELCOME.

Also, if any of you have any to add to my list, I’d love to hear!